Violated by a Friend

You were my friend

so I mistook the volume of your aggression
to be just your nature
When you stormed out
after my simple denial to pleasure
I swept it under the rug
reasoning that like dust it would
lay unseen & unheard
Unable to effect my allergies
I guessed you were just
Testing my moralities
You must've mistaken me
for a late night 2 train local
type of chick to make a stop
for any guy on the track

but you were my friend

so I tried desperately to pretend
that your actions wouldn't become a trend
Thought you understood that
our relationship was platonic
But you pressured it to shift like
the tectonic plates under california
that late night I heard
a set of foot steps beside mine
& I looked back to find that
they didn't belong to my shadow
Smelling of straight Georgi & DS
you would've thought the
Devil resided inside of you
& frankly you smiled

but you were my friend

So I thought nothing of you
wandering into my room
& as soon as the latches on the
door clicked closed
pulling a trigger to my brain would've of
brought me less anguish & pain
I can still see the painted sin in your eyes
as you pinned me down to the floor
& I screamed STOP
but I guess it wasn't loud enough
for you to realize that
already you had killed me inside
Behind your eyes there was no sight

& in that moment you were lost

behind mine bled tears
as I begged you to release me
but you continued to rip off layers of me
my clothing removed from me like
leaves off branches in the Fall
dead with out a choice
dead with out a voice
dead was I as I struggled to get you off of me
but then it seemed pointless
& I became a motionless stone
& my heart drained out to black
& as you prepared to
violate me further I whispered

but I thought you were my friend

& you looked up at me
as if you'd forgotten it was me all along
without a word you just picked up & left

& that was the night
I almost got raped by a friend.

Scared to Love

He told her that it's over
Even though he still loves her
And when he lays to rest at night
He holds another thinking of her
The truth is that she hurt you
And you wish you could care less
But you hold on to the memories
Cause you can't bare to let them stray

In fear you wish they'd fade away
But each time she calls your hearts
Pace tends to slightly change
And when she stares
You look the other way
You keep that poker face
Because your scared that the depth
In her eyes is still the same

Afraid to realize that all the love you
Ever needed is still right there
Even if it I disguised by a thin layer
Of misconceived pain.

Adultery

Sleepless nights,
promises and secrets
pent up behind me
tensed up inside me
The story of the unborn
Haunting beside me
Whose going to guide me
The foolish mistake
To let lust engage me
Left better judgement
To escape me
I have forsaken me
For a we that's turned
Into a three
And now that I've subtracted it
how can I look at thee
The mirror cringes at the mere sight of me
Eyes darkened like the sight of death on the cloudiest day you see
my Eyes feeling heavy like I can't stay awake
But I just wish for the day
That I can sleep with no regrets
My sleep is never sleep
Eyes closed with thoughts of dreams
Awake in sleep dreaming of how I thought it would never be me
Passed judgements on those
Who I thought to be beneath me for the choices they made to live
Being labeled for a decision that they thought would be fitting
Fit for an unfit mother to be
we stray
Stitch that red A on my chest
Shun me for being morally incorrect
Smile at me and wait till I turn my back to walk away
To say things that my conscience screams at me everyday
Nothing compares to the pain I felt for
The selfish decision I made for a misconception of reality because
Contraception was too far away to reach
And I thought one exception was a mild thing
Allowed my mind to be deceived by the liquor in me
I shouldn't have poured that last cup before I got home
Because the pouring hasn't stopped since that night he and I made a we
and turned into a three
And after that subtraction
In my mind it's rained for weeks
And still the sorrows that I've buried haven't drowned and dried into
weeds.

Window

As the rain hits my window
—pane
Struggles with sleep
Not sure if its a late night
Or an early morning
City moving cautiously
Days like these facilitate
Hazardous mistakes
Rain should cleanse the
Palettes of life
It seems preoccupied
Filling potholes in the street
Empty voids
Making it more obvious
That something’s missing
Making walls transparent
Putting misery in plain sight
Blurring eye sight
As the rain hits my window
—pain

Infidelity

Ive dreamt of love the way that it was meant to be
Dates that end like romantic comedies
Obsessive thoughts like that of those reflected
in Shakespeare's old english sonnets
The kind that ends happily ever after
and sees no color like the love in pochahontas

but the only fairy dust being spread in reality
are thoughts that turn into desires
and transform into betrayals
the kind of actions that cause the blood flowing
through our veins to clog up so we become numb
to the promises made in the mere past of our present
till we receive the satisfaction
from the superficial temptations we desire

Infidelity; the only dependable reality
in the loving relationships we seek because
Monogamy; in this age maybe nothing but a dream.

—Just Write

Just Write—

Currently Awaiting 

that moment in time

But every time I’m near 

father time rewinds

Just Write—

Dealing with betrayal 

too often at times

Can’t seem to find the road 

with out snakes in sight

Just Write—

Been sprung off money

all summer Withdrawing 

off times when 

dry cereal was my supper

Just Write—

Brain currently congested 

cause my mentals allergic

To questions left unanswered

with no potential solution

Just Write—

Filling this constant void 

with him this summer

Had me caught up 

momentarily in the end

Just Write—

But then fall 

was a reality check 

and more than just a reason 

to walk away

Just Write—

I’ve lost too many 

“best friends” in the past

maybe thats because they were 

never really my friends at all

Just Write—

Everyone seems to 

let me down

maybe I just expect too much 

from people at times

Just Write—

I hate being on campus now

I feel like a feather 

locked in a tool box 

when I’m there

Just Write—

until things come together

or just seem right 

but they never do so

I continue to 

—Just Write