PSA to my young Queens

Letting Strangers In

Drifting; Drowning

I Want

To lay with a man and not feel less than a person when I rise from the bed
Not feel like I gave more than I gained
Not feel like I digressed.

Am I scared or just weary?
Valuing my prizes or overly protecting myself?

What kind of man would be worthy?
Am I looking for a daddy or a husband?
A one night stand or a love affair?
A relationship or a friendship?
The side chick the main chick or the every other day chick?
Yearning for attention or hiding insecurities?

Looks like I got more questions than answers
More uncertainties and less declarations.

I want to be held and touched by another but what I need is time to be by myself.

Treat Her

They say you gotta
do what you did to get her to keep her
Don’t get too comfortable
Make sure you return
all the love that she gives you
Apple pie a la mode,
the Apple of your eyes for sure
If you say she’s your world
it holds no weight unless you show her
Just know that the grass
has the potential to be greener
she’s your queen
and that means
she’s more than just
extraordinary features
Express appreciation
she knows her worth
without an appraisal

Calm Stormy Rain

You encourage poetry

Postively encompassing

All of me

Warm touches permanently

Tattooed on my skin

Calm stormy rain

After an excessively hot day

Thats how I feel

When I see your face

When im in your space

It’s like a dream

Something more than attraction

A bond and im fond

Of everthing you’ve accomplished

You go away

But you don't stray

We’re in this beautiful area of gray

And thats where I’d like to stay

Calm stormy rain.

'DAMAGED GIRL' PROBLEMS

I profess to want someone to call at night
think about in the morning
and text ’ imy baby ’ to when I’m feeling lonely
hold hands with when we’re together
someone that wants to know all of me
love all of me
even the deeper darker parts of me
for un-superficial reasons
but every time i encounter
someone with real possibilities
I run away in the opposite direction
shut my eyes
and demonize all their positive intentions
miss them from afar
and never admit how I’m feeling
I destroy good things before they
can happen to me
I know I’m abrasive
and i know I’m snide
but I’m also scared of being alone
but I’m mostly afraid to be loved.

Kindle Fire

Every time I see it I think of you
How you treated me with kindness
Although I withdrew
How you brightened every moment
And made my darkness fade
Even if just for a second
You erased my pain.
Everytime I see it I think of you
I think of how selfish I was
And how I forgot to thank you
Every drive you took
To see my face
All the things you did
To bring the sun out
When I was living in rain.
Everytime I see it I think of you
And how I ran away
Because I knew
My misery wasnt ready
to let up just yet
I cared for you but
I wasnt ready to love you then
I was exuding to much anger
To let you in.
Everytime I see it I feel regret
I hope you understand that
I wasn't exactly myself
But everything happens for
A reason ...
      I hope you understand.

Violated by a Friend

You were my friend

so I mistook the volume of your aggression
to be just your nature
When you stormed out
after my simple denial to pleasure
I swept it under the rug
reasoning that like dust it would
lay unseen & unheard
Unable to effect my allergies
I guessed you were just
Testing my moralities
You must've mistaken me
for a late night 2 train local
type of chick to make a stop
for any guy on the track

but you were my friend

so I tried desperately to pretend
that your actions wouldn't become a trend
Thought you understood that
our relationship was platonic
But you pressured it to shift like
the tectonic plates under california
that late night I heard
a set of foot steps beside mine
& I looked back to find that
they didn't belong to my shadow
Smelling of straight Georgi & DS
you would've thought the
Devil resided inside of you
& frankly you smiled

but you were my friend

So I thought nothing of you
wandering into my room
& as soon as the latches on the
door clicked closed
pulling a trigger to my brain would've of
brought me less anguish & pain
I can still see the painted sin in your eyes
as you pinned me down to the floor
& I screamed STOP
but I guess it wasn't loud enough
for you to realize that
already you had killed me inside
Behind your eyes there was no sight

& in that moment you were lost

behind mine bled tears
as I begged you to release me
but you continued to rip off layers of me
my clothing removed from me like
leaves off branches in the Fall
dead with out a choice
dead with out a voice
dead was I as I struggled to get you off of me
but then it seemed pointless
& I became a motionless stone
& my heart drained out to black
& as you prepared to
violate me further I whispered

but I thought you were my friend

& you looked up at me
as if you'd forgotten it was me all along
without a word you just picked up & left

& that was the night
I almost got raped by a friend.

Scared to Love

He told her that it's over
Even though he still loves her
And when he lays to rest at night
He holds another thinking of her
The truth is that she hurt you
And you wish you could care less
But you hold on to the memories
Cause you can't bare to let them stray

In fear you wish they'd fade away
But each time she calls your hearts
Pace tends to slightly change
And when she stares
You look the other way
You keep that poker face
Because your scared that the depth
In her eyes is still the same

Afraid to realize that all the love you
Ever needed is still right there
Even if it I disguised by a thin layer
Of misconceived pain.

Adultery

Sleepless nights,
promises and secrets
pent up behind me
tensed up inside me
The story of the unborn
Haunting beside me
Whose going to guide me
The foolish mistake
To let lust engage me
Left better judgement
To escape me
I have forsaken me
For a we that's turned
Into a three
And now that I've subtracted it
how can I look at thee
The mirror cringes at the mere sight of me
Eyes darkened like the sight of death on the cloudiest day you see
my Eyes feeling heavy like I can't stay awake
But I just wish for the day
That I can sleep with no regrets
My sleep is never sleep
Eyes closed with thoughts of dreams
Awake in sleep dreaming of how I thought it would never be me
Passed judgements on those
Who I thought to be beneath me for the choices they made to live
Being labeled for a decision that they thought would be fitting
Fit for an unfit mother to be
we stray
Stitch that red A on my chest
Shun me for being morally incorrect
Smile at me and wait till I turn my back to walk away
To say things that my conscience screams at me everyday
Nothing compares to the pain I felt for
The selfish decision I made for a misconception of reality because
Contraception was too far away to reach
And I thought one exception was a mild thing
Allowed my mind to be deceived by the liquor in me
I shouldn't have poured that last cup before I got home
Because the pouring hasn't stopped since that night he and I made a we
and turned into a three
And after that subtraction
In my mind it's rained for weeks
And still the sorrows that I've buried haven't drowned and dried into
weeds.

Window

As the rain hits my window
—pane
Struggles with sleep
Not sure if its a late night
Or an early morning
City moving cautiously
Days like these facilitate
Hazardous mistakes
Rain should cleanse the
Palettes of life
It seems preoccupied
Filling potholes in the street
Empty voids
Making it more obvious
That something’s missing
Making walls transparent
Putting misery in plain sight
Blurring eye sight
As the rain hits my window
—pain

Infidelity

Ive dreamt of love the way that it was meant to be
Dates that end like romantic comedies
Obsessive thoughts like that of those reflected
in Shakespeare's old english sonnets
The kind that ends happily ever after
and sees no color like the love in pochahontas

but the only fairy dust being spread in reality
are thoughts that turn into desires
and transform into betrayals
the kind of actions that cause the blood flowing
through our veins to clog up so we become numb
to the promises made in the mere past of our present
till we receive the satisfaction
from the superficial temptations we desire

Infidelity; the only dependable reality
in the loving relationships we seek because
Monogamy; in this age maybe nothing but a dream.

—Just Write

Just Write—

Currently Awaiting 

that moment in time

But every time I’m near 

father time rewinds

Just Write—

Dealing with betrayal 

too often at times

Can’t seem to find the road 

with out snakes in sight

Just Write—

Been sprung off money

all summer Withdrawing 

off times when 

dry cereal was my supper

Just Write—

Brain currently congested 

cause my mentals allergic

To questions left unanswered

with no potential solution

Just Write—

Filling this constant void 

with him this summer

Had me caught up 

momentarily in the end

Just Write—

But then fall 

was a reality check 

and more than just a reason 

to walk away

Just Write—

I’ve lost too many 

“best friends” in the past

maybe thats because they were 

never really my friends at all

Just Write—

Everyone seems to 

let me down

maybe I just expect too much 

from people at times

Just Write—

I hate being on campus now

I feel like a feather 

locked in a tool box 

when I’m there

Just Write—

until things come together

or just seem right 

but they never do so

I continue to 

—Just Write

No One Will Ever

Every moment we shared

Every experience we encountered

Every tear we've cried for one another

will never be forgotten or compared to and

 .. No one will ever love you my way

If your loving for convenience 

If your loving for safety and you think its right

and its making you happy for the time being

then I 'm happy for you just realize that

.. No one will ever love you my way

We've pushed each other to grow

Moved each other to desire more

taught each other to dream bigger

if thats not all the love you ever needed just know that

.. No one will ever love you my way

If your in denial like I and think

 for just a second were meant to be apart

remember that feeling attached to every single 

moment of time we spent together and know that

 .. No one will ever love you my way

What’s Next for Us ((Part III))

I hope you read the terms of agreement

When you take upon the ownership of my heart

Because the shits non-refundable

It will be yours for the rest of your life

I hope you take the time to understand

How much I plan to invest

It is written in the fine print

Pumping through the aorta in my chest

We had each-others love locked down once

On some robo-cop status

Street lights need not shed light on our mistakes

Because the good life we planned not to take for granted

When you checked the box stating

‘I have read the terms of agreement’

And when you clicked ‘I agree’ without really reading

You overlooked my flaws and openly accepted me

No judgment’s at all

Is that where we went wrong?

Because after that I see you in my nightmares

Welcome to heartbreak because the keys of trust were misplaced

We went up to touch the sky came back down and nothing was the same

The password for communication disintegrated

Paranoid in thought thinking that the

Agreements were filled with faults

My fault your fault

Blame game

Waste of time

Because in the end

Through the wire of your mistake

Even with all of the lights still on in this place

You incarcerate the deep limbic system of my estate

In a dark comfort of security without flashing lights to scare me away

I knock you down and look away as I know

That it will eventually all fall down once again

And now we sit here

Lost in the world

Wondering what’s next for us

Because when skimming through the terms of agreement

Neither of us read the end.

Attention Un-paid

Socializing seems to be your comfort zone
So why is it that in a room filled with people
its me you ignore the most
Do I seem to pose a threat to your flow
Or am I just a nobody
that you just seem to see as irrelevant
Or could it be that you just like me the most
But I must admit that I am in love with your presence
Your attention unpaid makes me think of you daily
Seems like lately you
have seen me in a lot of places you stay in
It would be nice to simply exist in your present day
But presently it seems as though
you want nothing to do with me
But I know I have a hand in this
We have an unspoken language
in auras and eyes met
And so I will leave it where it stands

Caged Bird

you think distinctly of me
reluctantly linking me to the
nightmares that you dream
leave me to sleep without
the disturbances of your
wants wishes and needs
let me fly free
you got my wings strapped
to your cage solely for the
security of knowing that I
will always be right there
dont continue to mistake my
cries and screams for that
song that the caged bird sings

there is not one ounce of joy in this.

Quiet Emotion

is she wrong to state 

that she feels the comfort 

of his soul penetrating 

from her head down to her toes.

they don’t belong to one another 

but each other they adore, 

and when together one-another’s attention 

they effortlessly own.

when their eyes meet,

her feet become weak 

but yet stuck distinctly 

and their bodies ignite in heat.

their skin doesn’t match, 

and their mind sets are 

complete opposites that attract, 

compatibility seems exact and yet

meekly he stares into the 

sudden depths of her soul 

that exact sudden depth that she refuses to show

and yet she cant deny 

that he makes her feel whole, 

and with every second that he holds her 

the embrace continues to lure her closer.

they sleep calmly until they wake, 

until their eyes can meet once again 

and his eyes secretly grace her, 

from her face down to her waist

he holds her tightly till she wakes, 

makes her feel at home at his own place 

and as she stretches and she wakes

her eyes meet his once again and 

he says good morning to her and 

they go about there general days thinking 

about one another without it being said.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Its been a minute since we spoke last
you probably dont remember me on your good list
because I didnt give you the chance to put me there