Can we be grown about this? [Part 2]

They say blood is thicker than water

but i guess my blood is watered down

when it comes to the pain my heart has swallowed

it holds no comparison to anything else

I will not sit here and wallow in the misery

agony stress and suffering you've inflicted on me

you've always been the oldest but to me

a role-model you've never been,

you've never done anything for me

but displace your hatred upon me

punish me for your incarcerated

self regret and feelings of failure

what sense does this make when

even a stranger can love me better

you try to live a life of sunny skies

but deep down inside your filled with green

can you please stop playing the fool and

just be grown about this

you've always placed me last in your

selfish attempts to satisfy life

tell me why I gotta pay the price for

the short comings of your lifestyle

but then again let me retrace

is it not I that allows you to smile in my

face when its convenient for you to be my Sis

just for only that day

I let you be, then you flip the switch

sometimes I'd rather talk to a wall

than talk about this because

running into a brick wall would be a bit less painless

you only find it convenient to use me

you close your eyes and turn a blind eye

to all the good things that I do for you

can you even name the last 

good deed you've done for me...

but in being the oldest i guess you dont see

the rest of the layers of this family tree

but its all good because although

you couldnt just be real about things

I'm done trying to satisfy you in any way

I am going to just be grown about this.

Just another lesson learned

this piece is for him not
the him your all thinking about
but another him
the him I constantly cross paths with for no reason
and those early moments
when we would glance at one another at the same time
was more than appeasing

he was in love I was in love
but it was like we were in love together
 but with different people
we became involved in a way that didn't make any sense
it was intriguing but misleading
the terms of agreement we're dense so like any other time I just agreed with out really Reading
and now I see my error in judgment I try to go back and proofread it
but I'm stuck in incomplete fragmented politically incorrect noun verb subject disagreements
 nothing but lies misconceptions deflections broken promises and false terms of endearments
 but I can't place the blame solely on his words because I was the foolish little girl who ate it up like baked chicken rice and beans with some gravy and some corn
fooled myself to believe that it was a mutual agreement beneficial to us both
but I just felt so alone and it may sound silly but the confuse-ment brought me joy
if only for those few moments we encountered one another and made each other laugh
 or those few times he held me tightly yet gently as I cried without asking me questions about the reason why
or the many nights he held my hand as we slept because he knew that's what I liked
or for all those meaningless hugs that we shared in public that caused me to shiver inside
I allowed my mind to take our relationship a little farther than what it actually was so today i document it as,
 just another lesson learned

Lost (whats next for us part 2)

Whats next for us...

I am stressed distressed and flexed

when i try to organize the feelings I have compressed

because im scared of feeling and dealing with us

the us that we've lost

and the lost us has cost me more than i had to give

i am emotionally in debt

my credit is declining

ive maxed out my patience, my tolerance, and my understanding

all in one trip

and those are the least of my worries

i gave all i had to give

ive heard you out

but i can no longer listen

ive reached out

but you seem to be at a farther distance

and i cant seem to stretch my arms far enough to reach us

its like my heart is fixated on you

but that's not enough

its like you wont be satisfied until

you have me clenched tightly enough to only breathe your air

but understand me you never do

its like you cant see that us together is a venomous mixture of pure insanity

and your so clenched into my heart that it hurts

as i try to pull and pry you off of my soul

you got this everlasting hold

that i cant seem to control

if my pillow was a plant, it would be a forest by now

because it gets fed every night

with the tears my eyes shed

my pillow is more nourished than i am

crying has been the healthiest thing that i am

there's no other outlet

you just don't get it

and I chose to let you go

i tried to let the bridge burn

but that will never work

in order for us to disintegrate

we have to decide to let go together

but we continue to fight in order to stay together

although both options hurt us forever

and i try to keep my composure

but this is truly torture

if we belonged together

why has this weather been anything

but in our favor

and still i got to question whats next for us

but i believe the answer is a lost cost

because its gonna remain just as lost as we are.

My Fairytale

Hello everyone
My name is Jaimie hill
and I prefer to speak properly
because I am royalty
and I bet you'll
never guess where I come from
so let me fill you in on my fortunate lifestyle

I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles
I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically,
I come from a place where I am the apple of my prince's eye and I am his one true love

Aren’t I lucky to be living this fairytale life?
Oh but wait I left a few details out

I said I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles that are twenty stories high but these castles aren't surrounded by grassy fields, they are crammed five on a 1 block radius sitting pretty on gritty concrete that is abused daily by street runners, dope boys, the homeless and those who have homes that they cannot run to

I said I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically, but do not be confused, I am not speaking of fairies or godmothers, nor of pretty little birdies, I speak of those who get high off trees cause they have nothing else to lift their spirits, and the souls that fly up to the heavens way earlier than they were meant to because they were statistics and where ponies are replaced with pit bulls and as for birds we have flying rats that we call pigeons, and as for pigeons we have dirty birds that we call smuts and whores because their lives consist of flying from one mans bed to the next as sporadically as they please searching for some one to fill a void, but they mistake the hole in their heart with the hole between their legs and little do they know that that damage is there to stay.

I said I come from a place where I am the only apple of his eye, well at least in my mind, in his he has 6, the 2 that sit pretty on my chest and the one that constitutes my rear end and then another set on the next chick and prince charming isn't as charming as he seems only until he gets what he needs and in my fairytale you don't go from princess to queen but from princess to an STD

Sometimes it seems like this reality is a fairy tale because it’s so unbelievable that it should be a fiction, but in my fairytale there is no happily ever after

And by the way if your still wondering the projects is where I reside.

Bleeding Love

woke up this morning to a mascara stained pillow case

realized that my eyes bled through the night

as i began to recollect the details of our last conversation

all i heard was my heart cry and scream for some sort of salvation

he once compared our love to that of a red rose

the life the beauty the purity the innocence of a blossomed flower

the hope that it embodied the happiness that it foreshadowed

but he failed to mention that every rose has its season 

and with the end of each season came a death

our love was a special case though

it didnt just die out, we held on as tightly as we could

till will strangled our rose

the pain caused a struggle that we could no longer fight

our rose bled till it could no longer exist 

the manifestation of our love leaked into the sink 

as we looked away because watching its blood our love float away 

would bring nothing but despair