Scared to Love

He told her that it's over
Even though he still loves her
And when he lays to rest at night
He holds another thinking of her
The truth is that she hurt you
And you wish you could care less
But you hold on to the memories
Cause you can't bare to let them stray

In fear you wish they'd fade away
But each time she calls your hearts
Pace tends to slightly change
And when she stares
You look the other way
You keep that poker face
Because your scared that the depth
In her eyes is still the same

Afraid to realize that all the love you
Ever needed is still right there
Even if it I disguised by a thin layer
Of misconceived pain.

Adultery

Sleepless nights,
promises and secrets
pent up behind me
tensed up inside me
The story of the unborn
Haunting beside me
Whose going to guide me
The foolish mistake
To let lust engage me
Left better judgement
To escape me
I have forsaken me
For a we that's turned
Into a three
And now that I've subtracted it
how can I look at thee
The mirror cringes at the mere sight of me
Eyes darkened like the sight of death on the cloudiest day you see
my Eyes feeling heavy like I can't stay awake
But I just wish for the day
That I can sleep with no regrets
My sleep is never sleep
Eyes closed with thoughts of dreams
Awake in sleep dreaming of how I thought it would never be me
Passed judgements on those
Who I thought to be beneath me for the choices they made to live
Being labeled for a decision that they thought would be fitting
Fit for an unfit mother to be
we stray
Stitch that red A on my chest
Shun me for being morally incorrect
Smile at me and wait till I turn my back to walk away
To say things that my conscience screams at me everyday
Nothing compares to the pain I felt for
The selfish decision I made for a misconception of reality because
Contraception was too far away to reach
And I thought one exception was a mild thing
Allowed my mind to be deceived by the liquor in me
I shouldn't have poured that last cup before I got home
Because the pouring hasn't stopped since that night he and I made a we
and turned into a three
And after that subtraction
In my mind it's rained for weeks
And still the sorrows that I've buried haven't drowned and dried into
weeds.

Window

As the rain hits my window
—pane
Struggles with sleep
Not sure if its a late night
Or an early morning
City moving cautiously
Days like these facilitate
Hazardous mistakes
Rain should cleanse the
Palettes of life
It seems preoccupied
Filling potholes in the street
Empty voids
Making it more obvious
That something’s missing
Making walls transparent
Putting misery in plain sight
Blurring eye sight
As the rain hits my window
—pain

Infidelity

Ive dreamt of love the way that it was meant to be
Dates that end like romantic comedies
Obsessive thoughts like that of those reflected
in Shakespeare's old english sonnets
The kind that ends happily ever after
and sees no color like the love in pochahontas

but the only fairy dust being spread in reality
are thoughts that turn into desires
and transform into betrayals
the kind of actions that cause the blood flowing
through our veins to clog up so we become numb
to the promises made in the mere past of our present
till we receive the satisfaction
from the superficial temptations we desire

Infidelity; the only dependable reality
in the loving relationships we seek because
Monogamy; in this age maybe nothing but a dream.

—Just Write

Just Write—

Currently Awaiting 

that moment in time

But every time I’m near 

father time rewinds

Just Write—

Dealing with betrayal 

too often at times

Can’t seem to find the road 

with out snakes in sight

Just Write—

Been sprung off money

all summer Withdrawing 

off times when 

dry cereal was my supper

Just Write—

Brain currently congested 

cause my mentals allergic

To questions left unanswered

with no potential solution

Just Write—

Filling this constant void 

with him this summer

Had me caught up 

momentarily in the end

Just Write—

But then fall 

was a reality check 

and more than just a reason 

to walk away

Just Write—

I’ve lost too many 

“best friends” in the past

maybe thats because they were 

never really my friends at all

Just Write—

Everyone seems to 

let me down

maybe I just expect too much 

from people at times

Just Write—

I hate being on campus now

I feel like a feather 

locked in a tool box 

when I’m there

Just Write—

until things come together

or just seem right 

but they never do so

I continue to 

—Just Write

No One Will Ever

Every moment we shared

Every experience we encountered

Every tear we've cried for one another

will never be forgotten or compared to and

 .. No one will ever love you my way

If your loving for convenience 

If your loving for safety and you think its right

and its making you happy for the time being

then I 'm happy for you just realize that

.. No one will ever love you my way

We've pushed each other to grow

Moved each other to desire more

taught each other to dream bigger

if thats not all the love you ever needed just know that

.. No one will ever love you my way

If your in denial like I and think

 for just a second were meant to be apart

remember that feeling attached to every single 

moment of time we spent together and know that

 .. No one will ever love you my way

I miss you

Is it too soon to miss you
Because my mind is so fixated it wont let any other thought in
Or is it just too soon to let you know 
Because I want to give you my all
But I'm not sure if you want it yet
Not sure if your willing to work for it yet
But I'm reassured that if I told you I'd sleep better tonight for sure
So should I tell you or leave it alone
keep you guessing or let you know
I'm no longer comfortable with the feeling of sleeping alone
Because of the way you hold me and make me feel whole
I just want you all the time in the worst way
When I'm alone i want you to be somewhere close to me
Guilt takes hold of me whenever I engage in conversation with anyone else
The thought of potentially having you to myself outweighs the mere idea of any one else 
And all I do is think about you 
Like your a test I'm scared to fail
But I know I'm well prepared I just need you to know I am

Obsession

tonight you politely undressed me with your eyes
i felt alone with you in a room filled with the
non existence of other people
perplexed by your stare
that i caught only for a mere second
from my peripheral vision
intensity building within me as if you were in me
mentally, by way of my mind that is
I am obsessed with your being
being that your respectability seemingly is appealing
not to mention the fact
that your authenticity speaks to me
leaving me helplessly lost in your eyes
I’m at a lost of what to do to get to you
except when were alone
nothing compares to how naturally we flow
Sometimes I wish that
I was the type of female to remain jaded
I want to be swept off my feet
like in one of those corny little love movies
but I think too much in order to
allow romance to guide my decisions
my nature doesn’t allow me to walk around blindly
even when my mind obsessively fills itself
with thoughts of you and me and we
My obsession for control outweighs it naturally.

change

Lately you've been as dependable as the weather changes
your wind chill sporadically springs up my spine
your character has been nothing near summertime fine
It seems as though mother nature and father time
no longer seem to coincide when it comes to you and I
and there is simply never a reason why

Thoughts

audacity
to dare to compare
skill level irrelevant
to this reflection
of me you see when
in front of the mirror
of your dreams
mind poisoned
in this case
you will never see
what you want to get
I make this shit
look easy
so take notes
before you attempt
to make promises
of things that
history shows you
cant upkeep… That is all.

You Claim

You claim to have the family’s best interest at heart
beg of my mother everyday to give you a second shot
so tell me why your daughter lays beside me tonight
wondering why her daddy hasn’t called
my sister wants to know where you disappear to at night
and as she lays under me asking me questions about your whereabouts
there’s no way to explain to an 8 year old that her daddy is mentally lost
midlife no wife a crisis that must be tough but
disappearing on drunken binges every now and then
are things that just don’t check out
he doesn’t want to deal with reality
so he drinks his sober thoughts away
and as he drinks the toxins infiltrate through her eyes
and as he continues to damage his brain
he relentlessly damages her heart.

Untold

theres a story that my mouth has been itching to spill a void in my soul that my heart has been killing to fill
its a burden on my mind that my conscience refuses to let go
and I’m just simply in need of a pair of ears that will listen to me
as i let go

Dear Past

Dear Past
I’m sorry for holding on so long i fell in comfort with being your comfort and I thought we would last

Dear Past I promise you i I’m not mad I allowed myself to remain entangled with lies but this morning the sun rose and i realized Dear past

you’ve been selfish long enough if you miss me don’t call I’ve taken my heart out of storage and given it to someone else Dear Past

I think its time to separate my present future from the past because i am a prize that you lost sight of

Dear Past Our time has come to an end and I promise I’m not mad It’s just better this way

Sincerely
the one you promised to love.

21

Mandate your own educational expectations

State exam test scores hold no weight in the final copy of the story of your life

Expect less and gain more

Don’t take advice from jealous whores

Believe in your better sense of judgment even when you’re insecure

Don’t second guess a major step or you’ll trip and fall to the floor

Falling down is not falling down unless you cry when you hit the floor

Motivate yourself to cross the finish line even when it isn’t in your sight

If you drop the ball refocus yourself and pick it up

Dreaming big is not good enough

Actions speak louder than words all the time

So don’t talk big unless you can back it up

Sleeping late on weekdays is a waste of time

Be productive don’t waste life because once it’s gone there’s no rewinding father time

Practice what you preach

Don’t allow anyone to hold you back

Be a leader not a follower and be proud of yourself and your own accomplishments

Don’t dawn on what you lack

Don’t make pennies to spend dimes

Material things are not the end all be all of life

Mourning regret will always get you down

So instead learn from mistakes and just let the bad memories die

Respect yourself and the ones that you love

Remember to exercise your creative inclinations any chance that you have at all

Disregard the Medias definition on individualism

Closing your mind only restricts you abilities to exploring new things

Raise your standards and stop settling for less

Think enough but not too much

Realize that the small things do always count

Even if you get no shine in the small minds of others

When you know your own worth no one can take that from you

Don’t speed through life you’ll miss the facts

21 years of life have taught me just that

A Phase

i thought it was a simple phase
but from the moment that my heart was
broken
shattered
spat
and stepped on
i haven't been the same

my emotions appear to be non existent
but the truth of the matter is that there
hidden
lost
suppressed
and often unexplained
and this cant seem to change

What’s Next for Us ((Part III))

What’s Next for Us ((Part III))

I hope you read the terms of agreements

When you take upon the ownership of my heart

Because the shits non-refundable

It will be yours for the rest of your life

I hope you take the time to understand

How much I plan to invest

It is written in the fine print

Pumping through the aorta in my chest

We had each-others love locked down once

On some robo-cop status

Street lights need not shed light on our mistakes

Because the good life we planned to not take for granted

When you checked the box stating

‘I have read the terms of agreements’

And when you clicked ‘I agree’ without really reading

You overlook my flaws and openly accepted me

No judgment’s at all

Is that where we went wrong?

Because after that I see you in my nightmares

Welcome to heartbreak because the keys of trust were misplaced

We went up to touch the sky came back and nothing was the same

The password of communication disintegrated

Paranoid in thought thinking that the

Agreements were filled with faults

My fault your fault

Blame game

Waste of time

Because in the end

Through the wire of your mistake

Even with all of the lights still on in this place

You incarcerate the deep limbic system of my estate

In a dark comfort of security without flashing lights to scare me away

I knock you down and look away as I know

That it will eventually all fall down once again

And now we sit here

Lost in the world

Wondering what’s next for us

Because when skimming through the terms of agreements

Neither of us read the end.

C.R.E.A.M.

as i lay here

in the uncomfort

of a financial constriction,

these worries choke the

life out of me like

boa constrictors,

searching for a solution

internally conflicted,

if theres signals

i missed them,

dad i hope you sent

in this months check

because this shit is

getting a tad bit ridiculous,

redundant in nature to say the least,

im carrying on burdens

that i shouldnt be

stressing yet,

work in the AM

so i should be resting,

but instead im restless

in thought

and so i will write till

I make these ends meet

or at least till my mental

relaxes its self

and takes a seat.

Highlighted

The differences in me
stem from my upbringing
the rarity you see
in the darkness of my eyes
didn’t ascend by luck
it was all just meant to be
within my being theres
an extra chromosome
thats highlighted in pink
and within it contains
every single serene part of me.

Fence

Stuck

I.. am stuck
between yesterday and today
because even after that call
I still can’t explain my emotional status
to myself,
so please stop asking me questions
that I can’t answer
because I’m on a fence
and I have yet to decide whether I want to climb back down
or move on to the next side
into territory unknown but yet undamaged
greener but yet too fresh to reassure whether or not it will stay the same
so just give me time
to reorganize my mind
that is all I ask.

It's Time

I know its time to live for myself because I'm

Tired of trying so hard to satisfy the masses
feeling like im in need of magnifying glasses cause i
cant seem to see what they need me to give
so demanding and pristine for reasons that
super-exceed the inner me
headache bumpin hard like the bass was all the way turned up
and i cant even remember the last time i heard
oh Jaimie you did a really good job
where is the positive energy that i need to keep striving
… all i got to do is think back to find it
reach to the foundation of who i am
because that’s where i find the strength to please all but i
now all i got to do is find the foundation to please me myself and
I will find my life at a dynamic equilibrium

Attention Un-paid

Socializing seems to be your comfort zone
So why is it that in a room filled with people
its me you ignore the most
Do I seem to pose a threat to your flow
Or am I just a nobody
that you just seem to see as irrelevant
Or could it be that you just like me the most
But I must admit that I am in love with your presence
Your attention unpaid makes me think of you daily
Seems like you lately you
have seen me in a lot of places you stay in
It would be nice to simply exist in your present day
But presently it seems as though
you want nothing to do with me
But I know I have a hand in this
We have an unspoken language
in auras and eyes met
And so I will leave it where it stands

Caged Bird

you think distinctly of me
reluctantly linking me to the
nightmares that you dream
leave me to sleep without
the disturbances of your
wants wishes and needs
let me fly free
you got my wings strapped
to your cage solely for the
security of knowing that I
will always be right there
dont continue to mistake my
cries and screams for that
song that the caged bird sings

there is not one ounce of joy in this.

Quiet Emotion

is she wrong to state 

that she feels the comfort 

of his soul penetrating 

from her head down to her toes.

they don’t belong to one another 

but each other they adore, 

and when together one-another’s attention 

they effortlessly own.

when their eyes meet,

her feet become weak 

but yet stuck distinctly 

and their bodies ignite in heat.

their skin doesn’t match, 

and their mind sets are 

complete opposites that attract, 

compatibility seems exact and yet

meekly he stares into the 

sudden depths of her soul 

that exact sudden depth that she refuses to show

and yet she cant deny 

that he makes her feel whole, 

and with every second that he holds her 

the embrace continues to lure her closer.

they sleep calmly until they wake, 

until their eyes can meet once again 

and his eyes secretly grace her, 

from her face down to her waist

he holds her tightly till she wakes, 

makes her feel at home at his own place 

and as she stretches and she wakes

her eyes meet his once again and 

he says good morning to her and 

they go about there general days thinking 

about one another without it being said.

What I Think VS What I Know

I think I’m in love 

but I know its just the biggest quintessence of an infatuation,

with a mixture of lust

a sense of likeness with no purpose
I think he’s the perfect guy,

but I know that his exterior may not match his interior

he may just be handing me what my eyes wish to see
and I think we have this connection

but I know I got it bad 

and I'm sure he doesn’t know it

because I for one, refuse to show it
and then sometimes I think he shows me compassion

but I think he be curvin’ my text so I just leave him alone 

and I know as time passes I’m sure he thinks of me 

‘till he misses me enough to come through and scoop me
I think he knows I like him

but I know not to invest any emotion

well at least none that he can see
but I can’t help i

tI know I see something in his stare that scares me and draws me in
but I think I should just leave him alone…

should I got with what I think or what I know?

Our Encounters

never planned or expected
still he steals my attention
from any other interested eyes
in the room
these guys they despise him
or so they should
because with out a try
he got me fixated on his every move
respected by many
and loved by a few
he got more than enough hoes
so he respects the way that I move
understands that no doesn’t mean that
I don’t feel the same way he feels for me
a deep stare from his eyes
relaxes my mind for the night
no games in hindsight
he the type of nigga that can hold me down
the type of dub that’s too good to be true
he gotta be laced with something you see
everytime I take a pull
exhaling is never easy
I feel as though a piece of him stays within me
style impeccable, swagged out like no other
yet his intellect surpasses that of the majority
chemistry like we were meant to be
yet chill around one another like we family
the comfort of his arms
is a feeling that I had far forgotten
till he held me perfectly
my body molded into his as if
that’s the way it was meant to be
somebody please tell me
that they know what I mean
damn i got it bad, but he’s the type of guy
that i just got to have.

home

honey im home she belts as she walks through the door

baggage dropped in the hallway 

like its been weighing her down to the floor

mind cleared of clouds steered by all the things she wants yet fears

motivation driven by the determination she feels within

help not needed by those around her

because around her no one stood

when she needed them there for support

so as she walks through the door she belts honey im home

and she leaves her baggage in the hallway

by the door.

cuffing season… I think not.

So I heard you wanna cuff

is it cause its winter

you afraid the snows gonna fall

and youll be all alone this season

I heard you wanna cuff

but your tactics just seem

to be all fucked up

it aint just about what you want

Who truly desires to be cuffed?

locked away with a key

hands restricted from moving

restrained thought in motion tell me world

do you wish to be cuffed?

cuffed tight by a significant other

like a racist cop

so that after were done I can have the

marks and bruises on my wrist

in memory of the love and pain

you’ve inflicted on me

sorry … no thanks

i’ll pass

i prefer things done the old fashioned way

how about you take me on a date first

then we can talk about the rest.

high demand

On high demand like an iPhone 4

Problem is none of my potential

Consumers can be suitors

They don’t pose the prose

That can match my own

Left, right, all around no one

Seems to be right… so I move on

Cross them out, walk forward

Without looking back

On to the next but no one

Gets granted an all access pass

I destroy their egos without

As much as a conscious thought

It’s not my fault you talked a big game

But couldn’t back it up  x__X

Mini Skirt

i stare hypocrisy in the face
bold and blankly like the pinnacle of their fate
i feel the intensity of despise in your eyes
and you hawk me down
as i strut around with my head held high
in my mini skirt… yes mini skirt that hugs my physique just right
so i continue to sway my hips in that rhythmic way
ipod on shuffle volume on max
the therapy to my life
take a second and compare
think of where you were at when you were my age
and what you were wearing
i swear you ‘church’ people need to be prayed for
“she should respect herself” she whispers
“her skirt is too short” she says
…BITCH its just fashion
but then i’d be wrong if i slurred those words to her in disgust
with the serpent of a tongue i possess
and the venomous vocabulary i’ve been blessed with
but instead i just pleasantly smiled and walked away
turned the other cheek like the word says
because if i dared to break on you
all of this around us would tumble down faster then the walls of Jericho
walkin around actin like you saved
go on with your bad self
of course you want to be saved now
now that you’ve lived your life in its entirety
im just askin for the equal chance to do the same
now that your prepared to kneel down in the name of Christ
you dare to judge me like im doing something wrong
but you fail to realize that my faith is different
my path to him has not been paved in your direction
my God understands me an accepts me the way
that i am… even in my mini skirt.

just writing.

If I allow all my worries to cascade and defeat me

my balance on life will fail and

the pedestal below me will collapse as well

why do I allow my weaknesses to be exposed to you

time and time again

when in the end you just don’t care to understand

I write my worries on the soles of my shoes

I refuse to carry them on my shoulders

they remain where the pain is less obvious

I feel their discomfort through every step I take in life

I’d much rather walk barefooted on rocks

but yet I keep them there so that they are

not seen by your judgement filled eyes

but rather a constant reminder of the weight

of the odds that I have to fight in order to

climb my life’s mountain and reach the top.

Vengeance

Around this time of the year...

is usually when the true colors show any ways

the cold makes it harder to put up a warm front

chills down my spine make it hard to walk

you watch me from behind

eyes of green, dream serene

thoughts of blades you aim to shoot

at me take a U-turn, reality forces you to reverse them

into your unconscious target for the person you

truly hate who lives within

we were engaged in a false friendship

that like the green of the grass disappeared

at the smell of the winter snow to come

disguised you played me

used me to achieve things that you indeed

did not believe

before you met me

a nightmare on elm street is what you are to me

my mind sits still in a state of disbelief

but a magician never reveals there biggest tricks

and you should watch avidly

because im sure your not ready for the

next stunt I have up my sleeve

you my dear have just met

the malicious side of me

Dear Mona Lisa

why the false testimony

what should I trust

your painted on smile

or the darkness of your eyes

did the painter deceive your emotion

or did you deceive his

in this world too large to fit

on your canvas

how could we ever comprehend

and detect the truth

today I borrowed your smile

but i promise you can have it back

because to fool others

is to torment yourself

dealing with a reality that

crawls through you like

the blood in your veins

dreams undreamt

tell me why you forced your face

to smile when your soul frowns?

humans need

college love

dream of me

because I know the dirt isn’t as thin as it seems

you made me believe that you and I were meant to be

but you can’t give me that one thing that I need

that one pleasure I deserve

that everything that I solely yearn

babe I’m talkin’ bout honesty

I’m that type of chick that’s quick to live and learn

yeah I can fall back and play that clueless role

that manipulate him to respect my ever command role

but games just aren’t a part of my novel boy

I live and learn

Heartbreak Vol. 1

Should've wanted me when you had me
now you got to watch the beauty you could have had on the next mans arm
and you know that I ain't mean to cause you any harm
but i guess the damage is done
you claim that I took your heart and ran away with it
but truth be told you allowed your heart to lay and stay away dormant
I looked in my pockets and your heart wasn't there
you probably lost it
its probably in hiding because it got tired of being
played, betrayed and wasted away
So dream me when you hold that emptiness tight
because I'm the one you should've wanted
when you had the chance to treat me right.

Black Page

I wish pain was written in pencil
and I was a blank page
so that the scars of the past could be easily erased
disappeared, like that show
Without A Trace
a smooth yellow number 2
like the ones I was forced to take those state tests with
I could bubble in those blank circles with out fear
so that if I made a mistake I could effortlessly
change my answer or make it disappear
a number two pencil
so that I could go back to a blank page
after an error had taken place.

Or maybe should I wish to be a white board
so that my life can be written in expo markers instead
make a mistake wipe it clean back to its
original stage of purity
back to its white blankness
or should I say blank whiteness
another chance to mess up without any reprimands
How about white chalk on concrete
just wait for the rain and it will be right back to where it started
but me I wasn't so lucky

I was born a black page

nothing but a scar from the day I entered this world
and my accounts are written in sharpies and pens
that bleed and scratch their permanent
expressions onto my page
every error and rough draft remains
nothing but layers of mistakes
oh but wait I have white-out, oh please

they don't make such heavenly creations for black pages
black out see how pretty that sounds
but when mistakes do occur that is the  result
I blackOUT
but then I remember
all these scribbles, scratches, corrections, mistakes
displayed on my skin are nothing but character
my black page tells stories of pains that taught lessons 
fights that caused dreams accomplished
my life ... nothing less and nothing more
but a black page.

My feelings for you
blue like the sky above
unattainable in delight
bittersweet like
rain drops on a
summer day
a dream i let go
like a kite
that flew away
empty like a balloon
filled with hot air
there's something there
but its not there
unusable air
but then again life
wasn't meant to be fair.

dreams are for dreamers

Dreams are for dreamers
i like to think of my hopes and wishes
as potential goals and possibilities
i set my sights pending my capabilities
wishful thinking is nothing but
hopeful setups for disappointment
gracious god give me the strength to be
hopeful
and the clarity to be reasonable in this environment
and i usually don't pray often
and I'm sorry for this
but defeat isn't something I'm comfortable with
lately the walls
they've been caving in on me
provide me with the ladder
to climb out of this box i stand cluttered in
I've opened up the windows
but they seem to be lined with cement blocks
the only rain i feel are the
solemn drops that accumalte
and flood from my ducts
when no one is looking
when i need to release
i write i type i think 
i fight within me
because to feel like this there
got to be something wrong
within me...
but there isn't
its just the path that was intended for me to take
made to build me stronger in every possible way.

Present...Future...Past

I'm not gonna even lie

its like a ounce of him still exists within me

but i don't even display a drop of that emotion

its like my sentiments remain congested

sitting in my esophagus waiting to be digested

due to all the shit you been putting me through

look into my eyes and tell me I'm not being true

how dare you compare and question the love that i 

had for you

had for you

you cheated physically i cheated emotionally

we cheated each other out of a relationship

now we gotta deal with the consequences

the what if's and the in-completes of life

it takes you being inebriated

your love life disintegrated

for you to realize that i was the 

best you ever had

best you ever had

and now i know your mad

the paranoia of the situation got you going crazy

thinking about

him holding me like you held her the other night

lets think about it really

your the one that's evidently moving on

but your sitting here on my phone

females buzzing in the background

making me feel like i 

did you wrong

did you wrong

maybe i did do you wrong

by giving up on us

but never did i lie

never allowed you to walk around blind

the love we had was young

mistakes were bound to happen

but how can i be in a relationship with you

if my trust for you ain't no longer true?

you were my present, I thought you'd be my future

but presently you 

remain in my past

remain in my past.