beauty Curse.

there is indeed a curse that comes along with being thick
like struggling to find the right jeans to fit this ... thing in
small waist thick thighs god someone please tell me why
why me...
yes indeed all the boys hawk and stare at me
but not in the ways that I wish to be looked and glared at
control your hands sweetheart
under my shirt is not where my minds at
your eyes piercing at my skinny leg jeans will not magically
take them off my lusciously brown skin
yeah we grindin on the dance floor
but that doesn't mean you’re taking me home
and yes I flaunt my figure in these clothes
but that doesn’t mean your guaranteed to bone
you can look but don’t touch because
i damn sure don’t know where your hands been at
but I do know where they want to go
as you attentively watch my hips sway back and fourth
I promise you'll never be bored
but the problem lies in image
I am seen as nothing but an image of sexuality
due to the frame my soul was placed in
but if you look within me there is a grace you can’t miss
a mindset that’s quite distinct
thunderous amounts of dignity
my physical being does not even compare to
a small portion of the inner me
so as you admire my curves
realize that they are indeed a blessing
...but also a curse

but nobody heard me.

Mind spinning

thoughts 

problems

solutions 

illusions

all fused into one

i took a walk

to clear my skies

and i walked

and i walked

with my friend 

but alone in my heart

i remained

and i walked 

and i walked

until my feet stopped

and for a second

the whole world stood still

and i panicked

and i panicked

it was too surreal

help me i screamed

but nobody heard me

then it got hot

then it got hot

sweat began to 

drip from my forehead

help me i screamed

but my lips weren't moving

I started to pant

lungs winded

heart beat quickened

legs weakened

I got dizzy

I got dizzy

my mind was leaving me

and the world moved faster

the world moved faster

no air left to breathe

I collapsed to the ground

HELP ME I screamed

but it was to late, 

anxiety had defeated me
...once again

inspiration.

everyday I wish to be inspired
but the lack of desire has me caught at a blind spot
drawing blanks as i resist withdrawing
from the current state of mind of
those days when motivation came so easily
I can mesmerize back to the times when
everything was a sign
beautiful blue clear skies would inspire
positive rhymes of freedom and life but
its like my mind rejects and declines these
superficially inspirational rhymes and
turns them into negative pulsations and questions
due to my lack of motivation
but because ones mind is simply ones own creation
it can only go where one wants to take it
these questions lift me to a whole
different altitude of thinking and dreaming
my level of thought and creation surmounts
that of a typical being
and leaves the close minded dazed and confused
limitation of inspiration does not exist
in this world filled with infinite amounts of imagination
so dont think so little of that crack in the concrete
because in the end it could breed a rose

That Day

That day 

was the corner of a sun ray right before it set

sharing its last bit of warmth before it went to bed

as I stare at the window pane watching the sunrise today

the disdain in my gut remains unsettled, disheveled

like the purest sense of betrayal

my heart and mind I can't seem to leverage

excuses become my gateway to a spiritual escape

it hurts too much to think ... so i don't

and feeling takes to much energy ... so i pretend to be incapable of it

That day

i could not eat because my stomach was filled with hope

but i did not dare gloat, because a part of me knew that 

hope holds no weight in the matters of the heart

it serves as an appetizer to tease you and please you 

before you get served a meal that you wont be able to finish

its like being fed bullshit shit with your eyes open

but

That day

i blinked and had an epiphany 

my eyes re-opened and re-observed the world

like a new born baby

it's like i opened up a dictionary and saw my life in it

but there was still a chapter missing

a chapter left with blank lines

left for me to finish

and to this day I have no definition

That day

you stared into my eyes and saw that

they were darker than a cities night sky

no stars in sight just a apathetic glare

and i watched you patiently as you 

aggressively emptied out your bag on to my desk

you tossed my valentines day gift out with regret

it was in a jewelery box that appeared to be wrapped with love

i opened it anxiously with caution as soon as you turned away

and i realized today that that was the day you through my heart away