Can we be grown about this? [Part 2]

They say blood is thicker than water

but i guess my blood is watered down

when it comes to the pain my heart has swallowed

it holds no comparison to anything else

I will not sit here and wallow in the misery

agony stress and suffering you've inflicted on me

you've always been the oldest but to me

a role-model you've never been,

you've never done anything for me

but displace your hatred upon me

punish me for your incarcerated

self regret and feelings of failure

what sense does this make when

even a stranger can love me better

you try to live a life of sunny skies

but deep down inside your filled with green

can you please stop playing the fool and

just be grown about this

you've always placed me last in your

selfish attempts to satisfy life

tell me why I gotta pay the price for

the short comings of your lifestyle

but then again let me retrace

is it not I that allows you to smile in my

face when its convenient for you to be my Sis

just for only that day

I let you be, then you flip the switch

sometimes I'd rather talk to a wall

than talk about this because

running into a brick wall would be a bit less painless

you only find it convenient to use me

you close your eyes and turn a blind eye

to all the good things that I do for you

can you even name the last 

good deed you've done for me...

but in being the oldest i guess you dont see

the rest of the layers of this family tree

but its all good because although

you couldnt just be real about things

I'm done trying to satisfy you in any way

I am going to just be grown about this.

Just another lesson learned

this piece is for him not
the him your all thinking about
but another him
the him I constantly cross paths with for no reason
and those early moments
when we would glance at one another at the same time
was more than appeasing

he was in love I was in love
but it was like we were in love together
 but with different people
we became involved in a way that didn't make any sense
it was intriguing but misleading
the terms of agreement we're dense so like any other time I just agreed with out really Reading
and now I see my error in judgment I try to go back and proofread it
but I'm stuck in incomplete fragmented politically incorrect noun verb subject disagreements
 nothing but lies misconceptions deflections broken promises and false terms of endearments
 but I can't place the blame solely on his words because I was the foolish little girl who ate it up like baked chicken rice and beans with some gravy and some corn
fooled myself to believe that it was a mutual agreement beneficial to us both
but I just felt so alone and it may sound silly but the confuse-ment brought me joy
if only for those few moments we encountered one another and made each other laugh
 or those few times he held me tightly yet gently as I cried without asking me questions about the reason why
or the many nights he held my hand as we slept because he knew that's what I liked
or for all those meaningless hugs that we shared in public that caused me to shiver inside
I allowed my mind to take our relationship a little farther than what it actually was so today i document it as,
 just another lesson learned