Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Its been a minute since we spoke last
you probably dont remember me on your good list
because I didnt give you the chance to put me there

Our Encounters

never planned or expected
still he steals my attention
from any other interested eyes
in the room
these guys they despise him
or so they should
because with out a try
he got me fixated on his every move
respected by many
and loved by a few
he got more than enough hoes
so he respects the way that I move
understands that no doesn’t mean that
I don’t feel the same way he feels for me
a deep stare from his eyes
relaxes my mind for the night
no games in hindsight
he the type of nigga that can hold me down
the type of dub that’s too good to be true
he gotta be laced with something you see
everytime I take a pull
exhaling is never easy
I feel as though a piece of him stays within me
style impeccable, swagged out like no other
yet his intellect surpasses that of the majority
chemistry like we were meant to be
yet chill around one another like we family
the comfort of his arms
is a feeling that I had far forgotten
till he held me perfectly
my body molded into his as if
that’s the way it was meant to be
somebody please tell me
that they know what I mean
damn i got it bad, but he’s the type of guy
that i just got to have.

Mini Skirt

i stare hypocrisy in the face
bold and blankly like the pinnacle of their fate
i feel the intensity of despise in your eyes
and you hawk me down
as i strut around with my head held high
in my mini skirt… yes mini skirt that hugs my physique just right
so i continue to sway my hips in that rhythmic way
ipod on shuffle volume on max
the therapy to my life
take a second and compare
think of where you were at when you were my age
and what you were wearing
i swear you ‘church’ people need to be prayed for
“she should respect herself” she whispers
“her skirt is too short” she says
…BITCH its just fashion
but then i’d be wrong if i slurred those words to her in disgust
with the serpent of a tongue i possess
and the venomous vocabulary i’ve been blessed with
but instead i just pleasantly smiled and walked away
turned the other cheek like the word says
because if i dared to break on you
all of this around us would tumble down faster then the walls of Jericho
walkin around actin like you saved
go on with your bad self
of course you want to be saved now
now that you’ve lived your life in its entirety
im just askin for the equal chance to do the same
now that your prepared to kneel down in the name of Christ
you dare to judge me like im doing something wrong
but you fail to realize that my faith is different
my path to him has not been paved in your direction
my God understands me an accepts me the way
that i am… even in my mini skirt.

Dear Mona Lisa

why the false testimony

what should I trust

your painted on smile

or the darkness of your eyes

did the painter deceive your emotion

or did you deceive his

in this world too large to fit

on your canvas

how could we ever comprehend

and detect the truth

today I borrowed your smile

but i promise you can have it back

because to fool others

is to torment yourself

dealing with a reality that

crawls through you like

the blood in your veins

dreams undreamt

tell me why you forced your face

to smile when your soul frowns?

Heartbreak Vol. 1

Should've wanted me when you had me
now you got to watch the beauty you could have had on the next mans arm
and you know that I ain't mean to cause you any harm
but i guess the damage is done
you claim that I took your heart and ran away with it
but truth be told you allowed your heart to lay and stay away dormant
I looked in my pockets and your heart wasn't there
you probably lost it
its probably in hiding because it got tired of being
played, betrayed and wasted away
So dream me when you hold that emptiness tight
because I'm the one you should've wanted
when you had the chance to treat me right.

Black Page

I wish pain was written in pencil
and I was a blank page
so that the scars of the past could be easily erased
disappeared, like that show
Without A Trace
a smooth yellow number 2
like the ones I was forced to take those state tests with
I could bubble in those blank circles with out fear
so that if I made a mistake I could effortlessly
change my answer or make it disappear
a number two pencil
so that I could go back to a blank page
after an error had taken place.

Or maybe should I wish to be a white board
so that my life can be written in expo markers instead
make a mistake wipe it clean back to its
original stage of purity
back to its white blankness
or should I say blank whiteness
another chance to mess up without any reprimands
How about white chalk on concrete
just wait for the rain and it will be right back to where it started
but me I wasn't so lucky

I was born a black page

nothing but a scar from the day I entered this world
and my accounts are written in sharpies and pens
that bleed and scratch their permanent
expressions onto my page
every error and rough draft remains
nothing but layers of mistakes
oh but wait I have white-out, oh please

they don't make such heavenly creations for black pages
black out see how pretty that sounds
but when mistakes do occur that is the  result
I blackOUT
but then I remember
all these scribbles, scratches, corrections, mistakes
displayed on my skin are nothing but character
my black page tells stories of pains that taught lessons 
fights that caused dreams accomplished
my life ... nothing less and nothing more
but a black page.

dreams are for dreamers

Dreams are for dreamers
i like to think of my hopes and wishes
as potential goals and possibilities
i set my sights pending my capabilities
wishful thinking is nothing but
hopeful setups for disappointment
gracious god give me the strength to be
hopeful
and the clarity to be reasonable in this environment
and i usually don't pray often
and I'm sorry for this
but defeat isn't something I'm comfortable with
lately the walls
they've been caving in on me
provide me with the ladder
to climb out of this box i stand cluttered in
I've opened up the windows
but they seem to be lined with cement blocks
the only rain i feel are the
solemn drops that accumalte
and flood from my ducts
when no one is looking
when i need to release
i write i type i think 
i fight within me
because to feel like this there
got to be something wrong
within me...
but there isn't
its just the path that was intended for me to take
made to build me stronger in every possible way.

Present...Future...Past

I'm not gonna even lie

its like a ounce of him still exists within me

but i don't even display a drop of that emotion

its like my sentiments remain congested

sitting in my esophagus waiting to be digested

due to all the shit you been putting me through

look into my eyes and tell me I'm not being true

how dare you compare and question the love that i 

had for you

had for you

you cheated physically i cheated emotionally

we cheated each other out of a relationship

now we gotta deal with the consequences

the what if's and the in-completes of life

it takes you being inebriated

your love life disintegrated

for you to realize that i was the 

best you ever had

best you ever had

and now i know your mad

the paranoia of the situation got you going crazy

thinking about

him holding me like you held her the other night

lets think about it really

your the one that's evidently moving on

but your sitting here on my phone

females buzzing in the background

making me feel like i 

did you wrong

did you wrong

maybe i did do you wrong

by giving up on us

but never did i lie

never allowed you to walk around blind

the love we had was young

mistakes were bound to happen

but how can i be in a relationship with you

if my trust for you ain't no longer true?

you were my present, I thought you'd be my future

but presently you 

remain in my past

remain in my past.

beauty Curse.

there is indeed a curse that comes along with being thick
like struggling to find the right jeans to fit this ... thing in
small waist thick thighs god someone please tell me why
why me...
yes indeed all the boys hawk and stare at me
but not in the ways that I wish to be looked and glared at
control your hands sweetheart
under my shirt is not where my minds at
your eyes piercing at my skinny leg jeans will not magically
take them off my lusciously brown skin
yeah we grindin on the dance floor
but that doesn't mean you’re taking me home
and yes I flaunt my figure in these clothes
but that doesn’t mean your guaranteed to bone
you can look but don’t touch because
i damn sure don’t know where your hands been at
but I do know where they want to go
as you attentively watch my hips sway back and fourth
I promise you'll never be bored
but the problem lies in image
I am seen as nothing but an image of sexuality
due to the frame my soul was placed in
but if you look within me there is a grace you can’t miss
a mindset that’s quite distinct
thunderous amounts of dignity
my physical being does not even compare to
a small portion of the inner me
so as you admire my curves
realize that they are indeed a blessing
...but also a curse

but nobody heard me.

Mind spinning

thoughts 

problems

solutions 

illusions

all fused into one

i took a walk

to clear my skies

and i walked

and i walked

with my friend 

but alone in my heart

i remained

and i walked 

and i walked

until my feet stopped

and for a second

the whole world stood still

and i panicked

and i panicked

it was too surreal

help me i screamed

but nobody heard me

then it got hot

then it got hot

sweat began to 

drip from my forehead

help me i screamed

but my lips weren't moving

I started to pant

lungs winded

heart beat quickened

legs weakened

I got dizzy

I got dizzy

my mind was leaving me

and the world moved faster

the world moved faster

no air left to breathe

I collapsed to the ground

HELP ME I screamed

but it was to late, 

anxiety had defeated me
...once again

inspiration.

everyday I wish to be inspired
but the lack of desire has me caught at a blind spot
drawing blanks as i resist withdrawing
from the current state of mind of
those days when motivation came so easily
I can mesmerize back to the times when
everything was a sign
beautiful blue clear skies would inspire
positive rhymes of freedom and life but
its like my mind rejects and declines these
superficially inspirational rhymes and
turns them into negative pulsations and questions
due to my lack of motivation
but because ones mind is simply ones own creation
it can only go where one wants to take it
these questions lift me to a whole
different altitude of thinking and dreaming
my level of thought and creation surmounts
that of a typical being
and leaves the close minded dazed and confused
limitation of inspiration does not exist
in this world filled with infinite amounts of imagination
so dont think so little of that crack in the concrete
because in the end it could breed a rose

That Day

That day 

was the corner of a sun ray right before it set

sharing its last bit of warmth before it went to bed

as I stare at the window pane watching the sunrise today

the disdain in my gut remains unsettled, disheveled

like the purest sense of betrayal

my heart and mind I can't seem to leverage

excuses become my gateway to a spiritual escape

it hurts too much to think ... so i don't

and feeling takes to much energy ... so i pretend to be incapable of it

That day

i could not eat because my stomach was filled with hope

but i did not dare gloat, because a part of me knew that 

hope holds no weight in the matters of the heart

it serves as an appetizer to tease you and please you 

before you get served a meal that you wont be able to finish

its like being fed bullshit shit with your eyes open

but

That day

i blinked and had an epiphany 

my eyes re-opened and re-observed the world

like a new born baby

it's like i opened up a dictionary and saw my life in it

but there was still a chapter missing

a chapter left with blank lines

left for me to finish

and to this day I have no definition

That day

you stared into my eyes and saw that

they were darker than a cities night sky

no stars in sight just a apathetic glare

and i watched you patiently as you 

aggressively emptied out your bag on to my desk

you tossed my valentines day gift out with regret

it was in a jewelery box that appeared to be wrapped with love

i opened it anxiously with caution as soon as you turned away

and i realized today that that was the day you through my heart away

Can we be grown about this? [Part 2]

They say blood is thicker than water

but i guess my blood is watered down

when it comes to the pain my heart has swallowed

it holds no comparison to anything else

I will not sit here and wallow in the misery

agony stress and suffering you've inflicted on me

you've always been the oldest but to me

a role-model you've never been,

you've never done anything for me

but displace your hatred upon me

punish me for your incarcerated

self regret and feelings of failure

what sense does this make when

even a stranger can love me better

you try to live a life of sunny skies

but deep down inside your filled with green

can you please stop playing the fool and

just be grown about this

you've always placed me last in your

selfish attempts to satisfy life

tell me why I gotta pay the price for

the short comings of your lifestyle

but then again let me retrace

is it not I that allows you to smile in my

face when its convenient for you to be my Sis

just for only that day

I let you be, then you flip the switch

sometimes I'd rather talk to a wall

than talk about this because

running into a brick wall would be a bit less painless

you only find it convenient to use me

you close your eyes and turn a blind eye

to all the good things that I do for you

can you even name the last 

good deed you've done for me...

but in being the oldest i guess you dont see

the rest of the layers of this family tree

but its all good because although

you couldnt just be real about things

I'm done trying to satisfy you in any way

I am going to just be grown about this.

Just another lesson learned

this piece is for him not
the him your all thinking about
but another him
the him I constantly cross paths with for no reason
and those early moments
when we would glance at one another at the same time
was more than appeasing

he was in love I was in love
but it was like we were in love together
 but with different people
we became involved in a way that didn't make any sense
it was intriguing but misleading
the terms of agreement we're dense so like any other time I just agreed with out really Reading
and now I see my error in judgment I try to go back and proofread it
but I'm stuck in incomplete fragmented politically incorrect noun verb subject disagreements
 nothing but lies misconceptions deflections broken promises and false terms of endearments
 but I can't place the blame solely on his words because I was the foolish little girl who ate it up like baked chicken rice and beans with some gravy and some corn
fooled myself to believe that it was a mutual agreement beneficial to us both
but I just felt so alone and it may sound silly but the confuse-ment brought me joy
if only for those few moments we encountered one another and made each other laugh
 or those few times he held me tightly yet gently as I cried without asking me questions about the reason why
or the many nights he held my hand as we slept because he knew that's what I liked
or for all those meaningless hugs that we shared in public that caused me to shiver inside
I allowed my mind to take our relationship a little farther than what it actually was so today i document it as,
 just another lesson learned

Lost (whats next for us part 2)

Whats next for us...

I am stressed distressed and flexed

when i try to organize the feelings I have compressed

because im scared of feeling and dealing with us

the us that we've lost

and the lost us has cost me more than i had to give

i am emotionally in debt

my credit is declining

ive maxed out my patience, my tolerance, and my understanding

all in one trip

and those are the least of my worries

i gave all i had to give

ive heard you out

but i can no longer listen

ive reached out

but you seem to be at a farther distance

and i cant seem to stretch my arms far enough to reach us

its like my heart is fixated on you

but that's not enough

its like you wont be satisfied until

you have me clenched tightly enough to only breathe your air

but understand me you never do

its like you cant see that us together is a venomous mixture of pure insanity

and your so clenched into my heart that it hurts

as i try to pull and pry you off of my soul

you got this everlasting hold

that i cant seem to control

if my pillow was a plant, it would be a forest by now

because it gets fed every night

with the tears my eyes shed

my pillow is more nourished than i am

crying has been the healthiest thing that i am

there's no other outlet

you just don't get it

and I chose to let you go

i tried to let the bridge burn

but that will never work

in order for us to disintegrate

we have to decide to let go together

but we continue to fight in order to stay together

although both options hurt us forever

and i try to keep my composure

but this is truly torture

if we belonged together

why has this weather been anything

but in our favor

and still i got to question whats next for us

but i believe the answer is a lost cost

because its gonna remain just as lost as we are.

My Fairytale

Hello everyone
My name is Jaimie hill
and I prefer to speak properly
because I am royalty
and I bet you'll
never guess where I come from
so let me fill you in on my fortunate lifestyle

I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles
I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically,
I come from a place where I am the apple of my prince's eye and I am his one true love

Aren’t I lucky to be living this fairytale life?
Oh but wait I left a few details out

I said I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles that are twenty stories high but these castles aren't surrounded by grassy fields, they are crammed five on a 1 block radius sitting pretty on gritty concrete that is abused daily by street runners, dope boys, the homeless and those who have homes that they cannot run to

I said I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically, but do not be confused, I am not speaking of fairies or godmothers, nor of pretty little birdies, I speak of those who get high off trees cause they have nothing else to lift their spirits, and the souls that fly up to the heavens way earlier than they were meant to because they were statistics and where ponies are replaced with pit bulls and as for birds we have flying rats that we call pigeons, and as for pigeons we have dirty birds that we call smuts and whores because their lives consist of flying from one mans bed to the next as sporadically as they please searching for some one to fill a void, but they mistake the hole in their heart with the hole between their legs and little do they know that that damage is there to stay.

I said I come from a place where I am the only apple of his eye, well at least in my mind, in his he has 6, the 2 that sit pretty on my chest and the one that constitutes my rear end and then another set on the next chick and prince charming isn't as charming as he seems only until he gets what he needs and in my fairytale you don't go from princess to queen but from princess to an STD

Sometimes it seems like this reality is a fairy tale because it’s so unbelievable that it should be a fiction, but in my fairytale there is no happily ever after

And by the way if your still wondering the projects is where I reside.

Bleeding Love

woke up this morning to a mascara stained pillow case

realized that my eyes bled through the night

as i began to recollect the details of our last conversation

all i heard was my heart cry and scream for some sort of salvation

he once compared our love to that of a red rose

the life the beauty the purity the innocence of a blossomed flower

the hope that it embodied the happiness that it foreshadowed

but he failed to mention that every rose has its season 

and with the end of each season came a death

our love was a special case though

it didnt just die out, we held on as tightly as we could

till will strangled our rose

the pain caused a struggle that we could no longer fight

our rose bled till it could no longer exist 

the manifestation of our love leaked into the sink 

as we looked away because watching its blood our love float away 

would bring nothing but despair

To My Use To Be Best Friend:

So some one who i use to hold near and dear to my heart decided to post something about me (on FACEBOOK of course) and it went a little something like this...

"I failed..This REALization marched out of my heart and grabbed me by the throat this morning. I realized that I've been failing to break free from the past...settling for dishonesty when i deserve a relationship that will last...beyond the guise of falsehood into the light of reality...
every moment my heart beats heavy with the knowledge that u cant trust any1
not even sumone u been there for..for years nd years...because she Jaimie will sit there apathetically
while u drowning in ur [tears...]" _Renee

Failure is nothing but what one deems to be their own personal defeat

stop playing the victim and pick up the baggage that was intended for you to carry, if you wish to remain weary than sadly you will remain in that one spot you manifest in your lonely head filled with nothing but pain failure and regret.

I will allow you to stand there in that one spot you've been allowing your feet to sink in, if you want to drown I can not be your life guard because no one taught me to swim.

Fail, fail you have to yourself as you live in the past of your own mindset refusing to expand your own horizons as you kneel down and preach all this nonsense, casting out artificial bait to those that you love and care about the most, but once they realize its artificial they prefer to carry on alone.

You wake up every morning and stand before the sink and glare at the disguised image portrayed in the mirror but you cant see yourself because the clouds just maybe too thick, and you fight and you squint but that mirror image of yourself is afraid to reveal itself because just maybe you aren't ready to meet yourself just yet and you continue to sink.

Everything in life has a beginning, but everything doesn't have an end, if it has an expiration date than shouldn't that mean that it should've never existed in the first place.

The lies that you feed to yourself ain't nothing but Juicy Couture though, gold plated fools gold, and I feel sorry for you because you sit there and falsely claim to uphold the very values that you don't even know, the very values that got you sinking in that one spot that you now sit in alone, and you continue to sink 

and I guess all I can say is, I hope you learn to swim.

What's Next for us

his arms use to feel like home
but as he held me an alarm rang off
and i no longer felt warm
i no longer felt whole
i feel like i've encountered a storm
living in an igloo would have been better tho
maybe i should write a four page letter like aaliyah tho
but where would i begin
it wasn't me who turned off the heat
i didn't with hold a secret
that would seep in to deep
sink in to our relationship
and devour it from the outside in
i didn't creep
i wasn't the coward
and i attempted to accept the deceit
i tried to keep it all discreet
but i was the fool
because as i worried about everyone else
no one worried about me
but i was the one who dug deep
looked for the truth
when it didn't want to be sought out
found out.. and now everyone's
true colors done been brought out
the ones i trusted were called out
in this game of volley ball
i was the net
and the ball hit everything else but it
no one felt the pain i felt as it
shot up my spine
up my neck
into my brain
and then back down into my heart
that one cold relentless night
when a secret was revealed to me
from a mouth that it should not have been in
took over my insight
and reversed its emotions like icy hot
forgive you
forgive you not,
why is this even a question
in my mind when you were the one that
promised me
promised ME
PROMISED ME
that you'd never lie
you beg and plead
tried to plant this artificial seed
of regret in my brain
and then you have the
audacity to turn around
and attempt to make me feel guilty
and still i love you
the only question i have is
whats next for us...?

A well Composed Mindset

One cannot distract the abstract

a disastrous commotion

creates an artistic notion

of beauty that lavishes the mind

Focus not on the noise

but take note of the voice

inside the brain

through the thunderous rain

begging to understand the pain

laughter arises as pain subsides

and sadness dives into an abyss

that lies deep down in that

darkness hidden it cries

on front street appears a frankness

of sarcasm and delight

despite the fright

than the well maintained

becomes an obstruction

A CRIME

because it is now living a lie.